Archive for August, 2011

Denial

August 16, 2011

I am just so goddamn sad and jealous. I am dying here. Nothing seems fun and I wonder if he misses me. I hope he does, I know he does. I don’t understand why we are broken up. I can think of all the reasons but I don’t understand it.

Everytime we said bye we cried, I know he loves me.

He missed me while “being friends” he would say he’s so sad and having a lot of trouble getting over this.

We cuddled and did a lot of stuff that we used to do while together and it was so hard to believe that that same person didn’t want to be with me and wants to actually miss this forever. It makes me feel he doesn’t love me but I know he does. It’s all a mindf***.

This doesn’t make sense. I can get into the reasons why we’re not together. I understand why he can’t continue the relationship but in times like these it seems like none of that matters and like whatever things frustrated me about him are things we can work on or I can work on just accepting and living with. It seems easy to me to find a way to become a better person and girlfriend right away and just fix this. Fix this mess. Why is it so hard??

We had one chance and we ruined it. I’m so sorry you sometimes learn to be wa better person/girlfirend/about yourself by losing the person you love.

Some other a**holes will come and seduce us, we’ll love them, they’ll enjoy the benefits of our newly acquired  qualities and lack-of-mistakes and never know it comes from this pain… and if we do tell them it would hurt them and make them jealous.

I don’t know how but I got to sleep. I still feel like throwing up.

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Insomnia

August 16, 2011

I wonder what he is doing. I couldn’t go out with my friends, it was too much torture for me to pretend anything.

I am jealous of everything and everyone and nothing matters much. Can’t sleep. Can’t read, can’t do s**t. I feel like a fat fuck and a lazy asshole a horrible-looking person. Everyone seems so dull, boring, awful. No one gets it. I’m not even able to masturbate and the idea of anything makes me want to throw up.

I am waiting for a sign, any sign. PLEASE CALL ME, tell me you miss me, tell me this is not real and we love each other too much to go through life without me. I KNOW THIS IS LAME, I don’t want to move forward. I don’t want to remove him, what if he comes back and I don’t love him as much… I got to move forward though.

I went out to this place I knew some social activity I am familiar with was going on. Also secretly I wondered if he wads there and had no plan B in case he was. Thankfully and sadly he wasn’t. I didn’t feel like being social but this was low key enough, unlike engaging in a dinner with girlfriends.

At a point (and I wasn’t there long) two guys approached me and introduced themselves to me, they had seen me work before so they recognized me, I have an awful memory so I didn’t recognize them. Once outside I ran into them again, they seem out of it (drunk or high) and I felt in danger somehow. They had this weird look and vibe. It didn’t help that the people I was talking to before exiting were talking about rape and how people you know are the ones who rape you. I tried to head out fast but they kind of stopped me and asked what I was doing, I said going home, the blonde one, with the worst vibe asked me where I lived, unable to lie and knowing it was a mistake I said where… He said he lived in that area too, I asked him where hoping he was real but hoping even more I’d caught him in a lie he did answer accurately (I take pride in the fact that I know my neighborhood). I said I had to make a phone call and as I was typing things on my phone with little to no sense I realized that… sadly, unfortunately, painfully, I didn’t have him to call in these type of situations anymore my heart felt broken. I started walking away from them with the phone in my ear as I called a friend from work who wants to date me, I had a missing call from him and I just hit send twice without thinking about it, as I started to pass by one of them he got too close to me.

-Who are you calling? -He said. My friend wasn’t answering.

-None of your business -I said, taking pride in my tone but really scared. I walked away. My friend didn’t pick up the phone. They were standing where I had to take the bus so I decided to walk around the block and end in a different (farther) bus stop. As I was walking away pretending to be on the phone I realized I should call my other buddy, I did and had a nice conversation on the phone while the bus approached and drove me home. It was great to hear him, he is really sad too.

My life is one of loneliness right now. I was ready to marry (or, you know… be with) my ex and be his forever, whatever that meant. I’d even think about having babies with him. Now I feel so lonely and not safe- I know how to take care of myself but… He’s my safety net… We all need one in life.

I think I am going to throw up. I nervously do. It’s bad. I might write a lot these days, this journey just started and I hate it.

HARDDDD

August 15, 2011

I’ve been online all day.

Not having fun at all.

Going to try to get our of the house and share with my good friend and her gals.

I am NOT looking forward to being the one person on that table who’s pretending to be interested in anything going on in it, because I am not.

When is this going to be over?

I wish that somehow I would end this blog in three months no more.

It’s all so broken.

So… This Sucks!

August 15, 2011

It’s been three months since my relationship ended but it was this weekend when it ended ended.

When he broke up he still asked me to be his friend because losing me completely would hurt him more than being friends. This frankly offended me a lot, it hurt me even more “You can see me as your friend? OUCH!” I didn’t want to because I can’t see him as my friend, I love him romantically. He does too but he “just can’t be with me.” I don’t understand how that is possible if he misses me so much and loves me etc… I can’t keep hearing those things because they get my hopes up. High up.

I was (am) so confused and felt this friendship was a painful idea I really didn’t want to go through with. I still left my dignity and heart aside, as usual and I put myself second, as usual I gave in because it hurts me to see him hurt and I said “Ok let’s be friends.”

We tried, we really tried to make this friendship work for the last three months but I kept getting confused and angry in almost every interaction, in a way was worst than when we were together because I was all so sore and this was so confusing. I never really accepted a friendship per se either and the only reason I had to be his friend was in hopes to work things out. I never really embraced it as a friendship and it hurt it more. We kept talking to each other but found no solutions. We kept telling each other how much we missed each other thinking it would help us but it didn’t, it did the opposite. We kept acting like a couple but in a weird surreal way. We kept being jealous and asking for explanations. But it’s all done now because that in-between stage is not healthy and he realized this and decided .

He said he couldn’t be my friend anymore although he’s the one who wanted it in the first place. On the same day I said I wanted to be her friend although I never really thought I could. Bad timing… As usual I guess.

I decided not to try to convince him to change his mind. Counter-instinctively I decided to let him go because really, what am I going to do? Convince someone who hanging out with me really is what they want and that they’re just talking nonsense? Nah, I’ve tried that, no one ever can convince no one ever that what they decided and need is not “good.”

I miss him. So much. I wonder what he’s doing. I am so jealous all the time, I wonder if he thinks about me, I know he does but I can’t feel it anymore.. I am afraid to run into him and I pray that we do. There’s a void in my heart and day and night and soul. I miss him smiling at me kindly and lovingly. I miss being his girl. I lost my best friend, teammate, lover.  I don’t know what to do with myself right now.

THIS SUCKS.