Denial

August 16, 2011

I am just so goddamn sad and jealous. I am dying here. Nothing seems fun and I wonder if he misses me. I hope he does, I know he does. I don’t understand why we are broken up. I can think of all the reasons but I don’t understand it.

Everytime we said bye we cried, I know he loves me.

He missed me while “being friends” he would say he’s so sad and having a lot of trouble getting over this.

We cuddled and did a lot of stuff that we used to do while together and it was so hard to believe that that same person didn’t want to be with me and wants to actually miss this forever. It makes me feel he doesn’t love me but I know he does. It’s all a mindf***.

This doesn’t make sense. I can get into the reasons why we’re not together. I understand why he can’t continue the relationship but in times like these it seems like none of that matters and like whatever things frustrated me about him are things we can work on or I can work on just accepting and living with. It seems easy to me to find a way to become a better person and girlfriend right away and just fix this. Fix this mess. Why is it so hard??

We had one chance and we ruined it. I’m so sorry you sometimes learn to be wa better person/girlfirend/about yourself by losing the person you love.

Some other a**holes will come and seduce us, we’ll love them, they’ll enjoy the benefits of our newly acquired  qualities and lack-of-mistakes and never know it comes from this pain… and if we do tell them it would hurt them and make them jealous.

I don’t know how but I got to sleep. I still feel like throwing up.

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