August 16, 2011

I wonder what he is doing. I couldn’t go out with my friends, it was too much torture for me to pretend anything.

I am jealous of everything and everyone and nothing matters much. Can’t sleep. Can’t read, can’t do s**t. I feel like a fat fuck and a lazy asshole a horrible-looking person. Everyone seems so dull, boring, awful. No one gets it. I’m not even able to masturbate and the idea of anything makes me want to throw up.

I am waiting for a sign, any sign. PLEASE CALL ME, tell me you miss me, tell me this is not real and we love each other too much to go through life without me. I KNOW THIS IS LAME, I don’t want to move forward. I don’t want to remove him, what if he comes back and I don’t love him as much… I got to move forward though.

I went out to this place I knew some social activity I am familiar with was going on. Also secretly I wondered if he wads there and had no plan B in case he was. Thankfully and sadly he wasn’t. I didn’t feel like being social but this was low key enough, unlike engaging in a dinner with girlfriends.

At a point (and I wasn’t there long) two guys approached me and introduced themselves to me, they had seen me work before so they recognized me, I have an awful memory so I didn’t recognize them. Once outside I ran into them again, they seem out of it (drunk or high) and I felt in danger somehow. They had this weird look and vibe. It didn’t help that the people I was talking to before exiting were talking about rape and how people you know are the ones who rape you. I tried to head out fast but they kind of stopped me and asked what I was doing, I said going home, the blonde one, with the worst vibe asked me where I lived, unable to lie and knowing it was a mistake I said where… He said he lived in that area too, I asked him where hoping he was real but hoping even more I’d caught him in a lie he did answer accurately (I take pride in the fact that I know my neighborhood). I said I had to make a phone call and as I was typing things on my phone with little to no sense I realized that… sadly, unfortunately, painfully, I didn’t have him to call in these type of situations anymore my heart felt broken. I started walking away from them with the phone in my ear as I called a friend from work who wants to date me, I had a missing call from him and I just hit send twice without thinking about it, as I started to pass by one of them he got too close to me.

-Who are you calling? -He said. My friend wasn’t answering.

-None of your business -I said, taking pride in my tone but really scared. I walked away. My friend didn’t pick up the phone. They were standing where I had to take the bus so I decided to walk around the block and end in a different (farther) bus stop. As I was walking away pretending to be on the phone I realized I should call my other buddy, I did and had a nice conversation on the phone while the bus approached and drove me home. It was great to hear him, he is really sad too.

My life is one of loneliness right now. I was ready to marry (or, you know… be with) my ex and be his forever, whatever that meant. I’d even think about having babies with him. Now I feel so lonely and not safe- I know how to take care of myself but… He’s my safety net… We all need one in life.

I think I am going to throw up. I nervously do. It’s bad. I might write a lot these days, this journey just started and I hate it.


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