Indifference

October 5, 2011

I have been making out with a boy.

It’s a new totally different and unexpected thing, I don’t know how this just suddenly happens.

I had to work on September 5th and, since my job, as you know, is open for people to come to, he came. I know him because I’ve worked with him  in some projects. He came to it and helped me out of an unwanted conversation with an unwanted visitor. Thankfully so I offered him a drink as a thank you. He didn’t let me. We talked for hours at the bar and came up with a couple of ideas that are really awesome.

I think it was all cool that time but something did happen. While I was at the bar you texted me with a piece of good news for you that meant bad news for me, you’d been offered the chance to apply for a job that I was also elegible for but not invited to apply to. I was enraged and mad that you’d now have a job (because I knew you’d get it) that was going to put you in the spotlight and that many females were going to just see you at and want to be with you. I hated it all but thankfully got distracted talking to this boy at the bar, not sexually just joking and talking like to any friend. He is going through a way-too-many-months-long break up as well.

That night we walked to the trains and suddenly he kissed me and I kissed him back. This was exactly a month ago today.

After that nothing happened, nothing really. I mean I saw him around when I had to wrok with him and that’s it. Except for last night when we worked together alone and then we made out a lot. I stopeed it before things got more complicated, I think I am not ready at all to have sex but I also feel like it would complicate things. I maybe want to be single for a little longer, get my shit together, gather up, make love to a couple of people I don’t really care about but are really really hot, be crazy in a different city soon, etc.

I don’t know if I like him and I can tell he likes me a lot… Like this has potential to be a new relationship if I wanted to. Thing is… I don’t know… I don’t think so, not now or yet or like that but I do like him. Funny. He’s really funny. He’s so smart and if he had his shit a little more together I’d be probably absolutely woo’d. He’s cute but not gorgeous and I like his eyes, really blue… maybe too blue? : ( I don’t know… am I ever going to like someone like I liked you? You see I always knew it might be really hard to be as attracted as I am to you to someone else but you got so many unattractive characteristics that, when someone comes along with those things in order I really get confused about where my values and morals are. Did I stay in love and cried for years over someone who’s rude and selfish but just looks perfect to me? Really? Am I that empty and primitive? Maybe, not really… it’s more complicated than that because I know that we used to laugh too and we loved our sex together and also just sharing our weirdness. We were good weird together. All of our role plays and all of our weird ways to silently express sadness while teaming up in a unspoken power play… Those things made me an addict to you, Oh yeah and your gorgeous face/body too.

I like your smell and your scruff and your skin and your body as a whole, with more or less weight. I like you a lot and would love to be pregnant with your babies in the future.

He runs and reads, a lot. That’s really attractive and he’s really really goofy.

I am so confused but I don’t have to make any decisions. Am I over you? I am not thinking about you much now but I am still jealous of any girl that might come your way and also I am doing this so fast and you are doing it so slow that I feel like you’ll find the right one as a payment for patience while I am just wasting time in being rushed and not-too-analytical. Maybe I shoul stop all this noise and just be with myself for now. Yeah, that’s the best thing to do.

You and I hooked up this weekend… Why are you breaking us up? I hate you. I hate that you said “Maybe in five years.” THING DON’T WORK LIKE THAT. I am feeling slowly indifferent but I got a long way ahead.

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