Posts Tagged ‘breakup’

So… This Sucks!

August 15, 2011

It’s been three months since my relationship ended but it was this weekend when it ended ended.

When he broke up he still asked me to be his friend because losing me completely would hurt him more than being friends. This frankly offended me a lot, it hurt me even more “You can see me as your friend? OUCH!” I didn’t want to because I can’t see him as my friend, I love him romantically. He does too but he “just can’t be with me.” I don’t understand how that is possible if he misses me so much and loves me etc… I can’t keep hearing those things because they get my hopes up. High up.

I was (am) so confused and felt this friendship was a painful idea I really didn’t want to go through with. I still left my dignity and heart aside, as usual and I put myself second, as usual I gave in because it hurts me to see him hurt and I said “Ok let’s be friends.”

We tried, we really tried to make this friendship work for the last three months but I kept getting confused and angry in almost every interaction, in a way was worst than when we were together because I was all so sore and this was so confusing. I never really accepted a friendship per se either and the only reason I had to be his friend was in hopes to work things out. I never really embraced it as a friendship and it hurt it more. We kept talking to each other but found no solutions. We kept telling each other how much we missed each other thinking it would help us but it didn’t, it did the opposite. We kept acting like a couple but in a weird surreal way. We kept being jealous and asking for explanations. But it’s all done now because that in-between stage is not healthy and he realized this and decided .

He said he couldn’t be my friend anymore although he’s the one who wanted it in the first place. On the same day I said I wanted to be her friend although I never really thought I could. Bad timing… As usual I guess.

I decided not to try to convince him to change his mind. Counter-instinctively I decided to let him go because really, what am I going to do? Convince someone who hanging out with me really is what they want and that they’re just talking nonsense? Nah, I’ve tried that, no one ever can convince no one ever that what they decided and need is not “good.”

I miss him. So much. I wonder what he’s doing. I am so jealous all the time, I wonder if he thinks about me, I know he does but I can’t feel it anymore.. I am afraid to run into him and I pray that we do. There’s a void in my heart and day and night and soul. I miss him smiling at me kindly and lovingly. I miss being his girl. I lost my best friend, teammate, lover.  I don’t know what to do with myself right now.